My daughter has been off school for the summer; we’re currently in week seven of eight. And while I love having her home, and I relish the break from the school run, the lack of routine has played havoc with my creativity.
The struggle to sit down and write is torturous for me at the best of times. Procrastination is a daily obstacle, even in a quiet house with no distraction. Sometimes it can take me hours to find the willpower to face the blank page. Other times, it doesn’t happen at all. Having someone else in the house even when, as is the case with my daughter, they are hidden away in another room, magnifies the struggle exponentially.
Easily distracted
This summer we have had a lot on. Multiple holidays. A family wedding. Sleepovers. Childcare. Dog sitting. The usual family admin of visits to the opticians and the dentist . People dropping by unannounced knowing we’re home.
Adding just one of these things to the mix is not conducive with me writing. Even if I do manage to shut myself in my office, the noise of others in the house, the threat of somebody barging in, means I rarely getting anything done.
I wish I could write in a spare half hour like other people can. Eager to fill pockets of time with the work, they zone out the noise and write on a plane, or in a cafe, or while their kid plays sports. That ability both amazes and confounds me. My brain just doesn’t work that way. I need quiet. I need a schedule. I need a room of my own.
It took me some time to understand that I thrive on routine. No, it’s more than that. In order to be productive I NEED routine. As much as I would love to be laid-back and spontaneous, it’s just not how I roll. I’ve tried it: intuitive eating, letting my body decide what exercise it needs, unprompted writing. I learned that, if left to my own devices, I eat a lot of stuff that isn’t good for me, do mostly floor-based yoga, and write very little.
I need to write
It has taken me a couple of years to get myself into a routine that works for me. Something that feels natural and is sustainable. And, credit where it is due, much of that stays in place, even while I’m distracted. My morning routine and my diet are both pretty consistent and I feel the benefits of that, both physically and mentally. But my writing routine has fallen almost completely by the wayside.
When I’m not writing every day I feel it in my body. A heaviness in my chest. A restlessness in my stomach. Chaos in my mind, words and sentences floating around aimlessly with no way out. My work in progress feels abandoned, my characters stuck in the last scene I wrote. But more than that, I feel lazy. Like I am wasting the opportunity I am lucky enough to have, to write, free of all other responsibility.
It is as the holidays come to a close that I feel it the most. But, I only have another week. One more holiday and then normality will resume.
Until then, I aim to be present with my daughter, to be grateful for my privilege, and to be kind to myself. Because before I know it, it’ll be the depths of winter. I’ll be going out and coming home in the dark; battling the rush hour traffic; and wrapped up in too many clothes. Then, I’ll look back on these eight weeks with longing, bemoaning my stupidity for not appreciating it more.
