Is it ever OK to gossip?

Is it ever OK to gossip? It’s a tough one, not helped by the fact that the word itself has negative connotations. Usually ascribed to women, it means someone who talks indiscriminately about others people’s lives. But did you know that the word originally meant ‘godparent’? It suggested a closeness between relatives and friends and was entirely positive.

Gossip: the negative kind

In this post, I am referring to gossip in it’s current form; that is, talking about other people behind their backs. Over the years I’ll admit, I have been a terrible gossip. I liked to be the one in the know. It made me feel important, worthy even, when I had information to impart. Usually it was frivolous news shared between family members, things that would have spread anyway. But not always. I have, without doubt, shared personal information and upset people in the process. Often, it was shared under the guise of concern, but, that was rarely true.

It made me untrustworthy. People knew not to share anything with me that they didn’t want repeating. It also took away agency from those close to me. I would either share things before they were ready or before they were able to do it themselves.

Over the years I realised it was a trait that I wanted to let go of. I didn’t like being known as “the person who couldn’t keep a secret.” It took me a while. Often I would try really hard not to share information, with some success, only to let myself down later. Other times I would speak before my brain engaged and the news was out before I realised what I had done.

It got me into trouble at times as well. When a friend of mine was going through a divorce, I text a mutual friend with fake concern, clearly fishing for information. Except, I sent it to the wrong friend. It went straight to the person I was gossiping about. You know that feeling when you’ve done something that you can’t undo? I still cringe when I think about it, only now I understand the pain that it undoubtedly caused.

Be more Lisa

My sister Lisa never gossips. If anyone gossips around her she just goes quiet until they run out of things to say. That or she says, “well I really like them,” and then the other person back peddles frantically. She doesn’t do it in a judgemental way. She doesn’t feel superior, she’s just doesn’t like talking about other people. Every day I hope to me more like Lisa.

These days, I am much better than I was. It got to the stage where talking about somebody, even when it was harmless, made me feel icky. I’m not perfect, don’t get me wrong, but I am aware of the consequences of my actions and that keeps me in check. So it took me by surprise when I found myself a bit gossipy recently. Nothing too major. I was moaning about someone who was annoying me, in a way that, had they heard me, would have upset them. What I was bothered by was legitimate but, my rule is, if I wouldn’t say something to the person I’m talking about, I shouldn’t say it at all. I broke that rule.

The second time, I bumped into a friend who I don’t see often in the supermarket. We had a chat and when she left, I continued talking about her. Mostly I was saying how much I love her, but I also commented that “she had been a bitch one night years before”. It was a while later when I realised that she had been behind me the whole time. I went cold remembering what I had said. It was a throw away comment that meant nothing and I felt awful. She may not have heard me (I hope not) but it was the nudge that I needed to take action.

Processing versus gossip

So, it is ever OK to gossip? We all need to process things that are troubling us, otherwise we’ll end up blowing up disproportionally at our husband or daughter about something totally unrelated (I’m talking generally now, obviously). Ideally we would talk to the person in question directly, but that isn’t always possible. In which case, I think that it’s how we do it that makes the difference. None of this, “I love them but … ” or “I’m worried about them, did you know …?” When you begin a conversation in this way, it’s a sure sign that you’re heading into gossip territory.

If I need to process something, I talk to somebody I trust and who isn’t prone to gossip (like Lisa). That way, it remains productive. I stick to the facts and I take accountability where possible. I also find that journalling helps. Working through the issue on paper means that nobody else is involved and I can get rid of the evidence afterwards. Handy if I have lost the plot in the process of reaching a resolution.

In answer to my question, I don’t think there is any place for idle gossip. In my experience, it only leads to upset. Despite being older and (a little) wiser, people probably still label me as the person who can’t keep a secret. I might never live that down and it’s not a label that I’m proud of. Similarly, I can never undo the hurt that I have caused with my loose tongue.