I have a pretty addictive personality. This means that there is potential for me to become addicted to everything. I’m one of those people who is all or nothing, who struggles with the concept of moderation. It can be anything from the usual: food, alcohol and shopping, to a news story which has caught my attention.
Take alcohol for example. I know a lot of people struggle to moderate their alcohol consumption, it’s not just me. And I get why, alcohol has a lot of uses. It’s a stress reliever, a reward, a celebration, a pick me up. Drinking is the way that people bond, it’s encouraged. There’s often then, a pressure to continue which is what most people do. But before I gave up, I would constantly over analyse if, when and how much I should drink. It was exhausting. Plus, the older I got, the worse it made me feel. For me, giving up alcohol completely was easier that allowing myself to partake sometimes. Once I made the decision to quit, and I was certain, I never had to think about it again.
Addicted to crisps
Food though, is much harder. It’s pretty essential that I eat and so I can’t give that up completely.
I think about food obsessively.
What did I eat for breakfast? What shall I have for dinner? How healthy is this meal? Can I have a third packet of crisps? I have zero willpower, even if I know eating something will make me feel rubbish afterwards. If I get a craving, it’s really difficult for me to switch it off (hence the third packet of crisps). If somebody offers me food, I find it almost impossible to turn it down.
I have tried short-term giving up but it doesn’t work so well. This year I vowed to give up crisps for lent. I lasted a couple of days, then, you’ve guessed it, I ate three packets. To be fair, multi-packs are very small. And crisps are hard for me. Maybe I should have tried something easier. Liquorice, I could have given that up easily.
But it’s not the case with all foods. I don’t eat meat or dairy and I find that easy. Again, I have given it up completely and I am certain about my reasons, so I don’t have to think about it.
Spending is another big one for me. I’m not as bad now, but there was a time when I was a buyers dream. The amount of stuff I have bought by clicking on an Instagram ad is scary. I’ve made a pact with my friend that this year we won’t buy any new clothes, which is fine, I don’t need them. But if you asked me to stop buying books, I’d fail quicker than my two-day lent experience (she says, as another Amazon box drops through the letter box).
Technology is the devil
My biggest addiction, by far though, and the one that I am desperate to break, is the amount of time I spend in front of a screen. I don’t mean this sort of screen time, the productive kind. I mean the two-hours I spent before this, procrastinating on Twitter. Twitter gives me anxiety, I don’t even like it, but that doesn’t seem to matter. And if it’s not Twitter, it’s Instagram, or reading the news, or checking my bank, or scrolling my photos. I tell myself I’ll have a quick look and before I know it, I’m down a rabbit hole and hours have gone by.
I can get very obsessed about a subject matter. Something in the news or an injustice of some kind. I didn’t sleep for days around the 2016 and 2020 US elections (or the 2018 and 2022 mid-terms for that matter). I googled projections and polls, I followed experts and read article after article.
Even though I know how algorithms work, I continue to imbibe all of this information indiscriminately.
I hate myself for it. What I hate more though, is the example I am setting to my daughter. She used to tell me off for being on my phone too much, now she’s much the same. And while I can limit her screen time, that doesn’t work for me because I know the passcode.
I take heart in the fact that it’s the job of some of the biggest brains in the world to figure out ways to keep us on our phones. Still, I don’t like that they are besting me.
I don’t know the answer
Every day I am determined that today I will beat them. I deleted the social media apps off my phone so that I have a terrible user experience when viewing them online. It doesn’t work. I could delete my accounts completely. I’ve done it before and I didn’t miss them. Ironically, I only re-joined last year on the advice of my journalism tutor. I think she meant for them to be used as a tool though, not for endless scrolling.
My husband made me think the other day. I was telling him all about the latest drama in the news and he showed complete disinterest. He said that his mind was far too full with work to have time to think about anything else. I realised that I was taking up precious space in my brain thinking about things that are none of my business, out of my control and make me feel terrible.
So why, when I know all of these things, can’t I stop? If I figure that out, I’ll let you know. In the mean-time, I’ll imagine all of the things that I could be doing if I used my time more wisely.
