The summer is almost upon us and I’m taking my first holiday of the season this coming weekend. We’ve all heard the saying, “every body is a bikini body”, but us women know what is really expected of us. I don’t know one women who doesn’t feel the pressure to look a certain way in a swimsuit, in clothes, naked.
Still, I was hoping that this year, there would be no bikini body count down for me. No trying to lose a stone in 12-weeks. No before and after pictures saved to my phone. I was hoping to avoid the disappointment that I feel every year when I don’t reach my goals. That my goals are usually impossible and likely unhealthy, doesn’t matter; every year I fall into the same trap.
But, I have been working hard to change my conditioning around body image. I no longer punish myself using exercise or food, I don’t weigh myself and I am trying to let go of the need to look a certain way. A way that has been fed to me by the media and the patriarchy for the whole of my life.
Unfortunately, it is a difficult pattern to break. So, 12-weeks ago I started to make subtle changes to my routine. Just trying to be healthier, I told myself. A little less food, a bit more movement. Because I wasn’t weighing myself, I had no way to know if what I was doing was working. By that, I mean, I had no way of knowing if I was losing any weight. And, as in previous years, if I slipped up, I’d berate myself and try to make up for my mistake in the following days. I found myself counting down the weeks; what could I achieve in ten weeks, then five, then three weeks, then two?
Every time I looked in the mirror I had a different reaction. It ranged from looking “pretty good for my age,” to looking “old and lumpy and wrinkly.” Every item of clothing I tried on made me feel uncomfortable. I ordered hundreds of pounds worth of new stuff only to send it all back. Even when I tried on bigger sizes and they swamped me, I was still convinced that I looked huge.
I’m aware that this is because I don’t feel comfortable in myself. I am still comparing myself to people who are skinnier than me. And that, I’m embarrassed to say, is what is boils down to. Not being skinny enough. Even though I don’t think that skinny looks good on most people. Despite knowing that skinny is often obtained in an unhealthy way. And knowing that for me to look that way, I would have to rely on extremes.
So, I will be going away this weekend not feeling ready. My stomach isn’t flat enough, my thighs meet in the middle and my arms are in desperate need of toning. But that is nothing new. Even at my thinnest, when I was training like an athlete, I never felt good enough. Now, I look back at old pictures in disbelief that I wasn’t happy. It reinforces the fact that, for me, dieting and losing weight isn’t the answer.
I’m thankful that I haven’t succumbed to extremes, as I have in the past. Even though I have been aware of this internal count down, I’ve stopped myself from doing anything unhealthy. There have been no crazy workout routines, I haven’t overly restricted food and, as I said, I have stayed away from the scales. This year, my desire to be healthy has outweighed (pardon the pun) the need to be skinny.
I have years of conditioning to undo but that in itself is progress.
