I’ve not been working in the traditional sense, that is, not contributing financially to the household, for just over a year now. Even when I was working, my husband was the main earner. Although I worked full time before I had our daughter, we made the decision that I would reduce my hours when she was small. No judgement towards those who want, or need, to work full time, but I felt lucky that I could have the best of both worlds. I wanted to do the school drop offs and pick ups; to attend the assemblies and volunteer for the trips. So I took a job that worked around her. Three days a week, school hours, with the flexibility to work from home if need be. The pay off was that I didn’t earn a great deal. But, it’s not all about the money.
Women’s work
When we were younger, my brother said to me: “When I see a woman driving a nice car, I wonder what her husband does for a living.”
“Me too,” was my honest response. Our experience had taught us that men earned the money and that women predominantly kept the home.
With society now telling me that I could have it all, it felt important for me to be able to say that I had a job. I didn’t want to be seen as lazy; as not pulling my weight for our family. Outside of work, I also managed 90% of the childcare, did all of the housework, planned every birthday, bought every present, booked every holiday.
Even when I worked full time, I did all of, what is traditionally thought of as, the “women’s work.” It’s what was modelled to me when I was growing up and I didn’t think to question it. And because my husband always earned more than me, it felt only fair.
The breadwinner
My husband and I own three houses: our home and two rentals. We bought them together and all three are in both our names, yet, even my own family refer to them as “D’s other houses.” It’s clear to me that other people credit him for our privilege.
Even worse … so do I.
Deep down I know that he wouldn’t be able do the things he does, if it were not for me doing what I do. I also believe that we wouldn’t have the things we have without my contribution. Still, him being the main (or sole) earner feels more important than anything I do.
This past year, not earning anything at all, has been a real mental struggle for me. Not having my own income means that I second guess everything I buy. I feel like I need to justify my decisions; minimise my spending, my wants and my needs. I don’t feel worthy of them.
The hidden load
I keep a journal and some days I’ll write: “I’ve done nothing today.” This usually means that I haven’t been productive work wise. Without fail though, that will be followed by something like: “Well, I mean, I did walk the dog first thing and do some yoga. Then I did the school run, I took my Grandma shopping, I did two loads of washing and I booked G in with the optician. I picked her up from school, then I cooked (my mother-in-law came for dinner), before making the packed lunches for tomorrow. I nagged at G to do her homework and pack her school bag. In between all of that, I did order birthday cards for my niece then I fitted in some Spanish revision. And I was still emptying the dishwasher at 9pm. But apart from that, I did nothing.”
It’s crazy, the mental and physical load that many women are under. I know women who work in full-time, high-pressured jobs, have multiple children, and do it all by themselves.
Women who don’t work outside of the home are often deemed as “not working” or worse “lazy”, when in reality their work is taken for granted and never stops.
What does this all mean?
To be clear, I’m not saying that my husband doesn’t work hard. He does, inside and outside of our home. And I’m not saying that he’s controlling with money. He’s not. This isn’t about him. And it’s not about me having a moan either; I am fully aware of and am grateful for my privilege. This is about me realising my own sense of worth. It’s about unravelling my past conditioning and learning from it. As I have said before, I write about what I need to understand and today, this is it.
There’s no immediate resolution here. I can’t change my thoughts overnight. But I can challenge them. When these feelings arise I can cut them off and remind myself that it’s not all about the money. It’s not even a little bit about the money.
