I’ve been writing about my past recently, specifically about a time in my life that I’m not proud of. As is usually the case when I remember who I was back then, the feelings of shame and regret threaten to overwhelm me. Rather than viewing my formative years through rose tinted glasses, I tend to do the opposite. I tentatively glance back through finger covered eyes, with a grimace on my face and a shudder down my spine.
Atonement
Despite the fact that I was very young during this period of my life, I show myself very little compassion. Some of the things that I did are difficult for me to comprehend or condone. Excessive drinking, drug taking, promiscuity, betraying friends, cheating; this list is non exhaustive. That person is so far from who I am today that it’s difficult not to feel ashamed.
I have tried to atone for my behaviour in many ways in the years since then. There was my Stepford wife period, where I kept a tidy house and cooked wholesome food, like that would erase my party girl reputation. Or all of those years when I punished my body with extreme exercise and food restriction so that I appeared the picture of health. Then later, my perfect mum phase, where I projectied the illusion that I had my shit together, despite the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.
Just doing my job
I was squirming in my seat as I wrote this morning. Even 25 years later, it is uncomfortable to remember that period of my life. Receiving this week’s Letters from Love with Elizabeth Gilbert Substack then, felt like a hug from the universe. In it, she prompted us to consider what we might need to know about our younger selves. In doing so, I realised that even with decades of life experience, I still have a lot to learn. That at 18 then, I didn’t stand a chance. I had no idea about life back then, I entered adulthood the epitome of naive. I jumped into it head first, chasing love and passion and adventure. In my rush to experience it all, I got burned and, unfortunately, I hurt other people along the way.
Liz, in her infinite wisdom, pointed out that without that person, I wouldn’t be here today. Were it not for those lessons from my past life, I would be none the wiser. Had I not experienced those lows, I wouldn’t appreciate the beauty that now exists in my life. She also reminded me that it’s the job of our younger selves to test the boundaries and experience everything. To pave the way for what is yet to come. When I think about it that way, I did a great job.
It wasn’t all bad
I tend to avoid reminiscing about my late teens and early 20s, because all that can be found there is negativity. But if I look back through objective eyes, I can also see the fun I had, the good I did. I’m realising more and more that life is rarely binary. It’s true that at times I was a bad friend but, it’s also true that I was a good one. Yes, I slept around, but I did so because I was looking for love. Drink and drugs made me untrustworthy, but they also gave me a confidence that I couldn’t yet find for myself. There was a lot of darkness, but there was also a lot of light. Ultimately, I was a lost kid, trying to find myself in all the wrong places. How can I be mad about that?
