“My greatest fear is that menopause doesn’t exist and this is actually the REAL me”
Anonymous
October is world menopause awareness month.
You must be thinking “but Kerry you look far too young to be discussing menopause”. I know, right! The thing is, even though 51% of the population will go through the menopause at some stage (myself included), I knew very little about it beyond the stereotypical hot flushes. I didn’t learn about it at school. My Mum sailed through it whilst still on the contraceptive pill. My Grandma didn’t have any symptoms at all apparently, and even if she did, she would have just gotten on with it. So when I started to experience symptoms, around the age of 40 – maybe even earlier – menopause was the last thing that came to mind.
It started with my body
Teenage acne passed me by, thank God (although I did have debilitating coldsores, so we’ll call it even). During adulthood, I had the odd spot around my period, but otherwise, my skin was pretty clear. Then, out of nowhere, unsightly boils appeared on my cheeks, jawline and neck, so bad that they left scaring. I spent a fortune on face creams and hours on Google trying to find a solution but nothing worked. I felt embarrassed leaving the house and went from being someone who wore very little make-up, to plastering on layers so thick I was barely recognisable.
Then there was the weight gain. I ate the same foods but now they left me feeling bloated and sluggish. Exercise, something that had always been a part of my identity, became a daily struggle. My joints ached and I felt constantly exhausted but I rarely slept through the night.
Then it messed with my head
The physical symptoms, I probably could have coped with; it was the psychological ones that tipped me over the edge. I had always been a worrier, especially since becoming a mother, but the catastrophising at night became harder to ignore. I felt anxious all the time and didn’t know why. This was followed by panic attacks, usually at work but sometimes I’d feel them coming on just sitting with my family. First, I’d become conscious of the sound of my voice and lose my train of thought. Then a heat would spread through my body into my head until I felt blinded by darkness. I’d reach around me, for a wall or a chair, something solid to re-ground me and breathe until it passed. It was frightening. They would only last a few seconds, but it felt like forever.
I lost confidence. I couldn’t trust my voice and so I avoided speaking as much as possible. I hated meetings. I’d get such anxiety beforehand, sure that people could see how rubbish I was.
And mood swings. My moods were definitely swinging. I was either flat or I was having uncontrollable rages. These came from nowhere, were completely disproportionate to the situation and were totally out of character. It got to the stage where I didn’t recognise myself.
Getting help was tough
It took me ages to figure out what was happening to me. I became obsessed, researching symptoms, talking to friends and reading stories of women in the media until finally, I realised that I was likely peri-menopausal. I took this self-diagnosis to my GP, who (he) rejected it outright and offered me antidepressants. Now I know that this isn’t uncommon. Menopause specialist Dr Louise Newson found that of the 3000 women she surveyed, 70% had been offered antidepressants to treat their menopausal symptoms. This despite NICE guidance clearly stating that antidepressants should not be used as first line treatment for the low mood associated with the peri-menopause and menopause.
I presumed that the GP was right, that I was too young. I must have been doing something wrong. So I meditated more, I spent hundreds of pounds on supplements, I trained to be a yoga teacher, I exercised even when I was exhausted, I ate well. I even gave up alcohol. Nothing worked.
Frustrated, I tried the medical route again, twice. From the first GP (male) I was once again offered antidepressants. From the second one (female), I received a little more compassion. I could try HRT, she said, but she too thought that I was too young. At this stage, it seemed that I knew more about menopause than they did. This isn’t surprising as in the UK, most GPs haven’t received any training around the subject.
Besides, I didn’t want HRT. I wanted to know that I wasn’t going mad. I wanted help and support to get through this naturally. After all, menopause is a natural part of ageing. Women have been doing this for centuries.
In the end I went private
In desperation, I joined the wait list for a renowned private menopause clinic. Months later, the specialist GP confirmed that I was, as I thought, peri-menopause. I was so relieved. I was also angry that it had taken so long. The average age for a woman to go through the menopause is 51 but 1 in 100 women under the age of 40 will become menopausal. So, a lot more will be peri-menopausal, something that can occur 10 years or so before the menopause. Women also tend to follow in their mother’s footsteps. My Mum was post-menopausal at 50.
After a scan to rule out any other medical issues (I had some mid-cycle spotting, likely caused by one of the natural supplements, red clover, I was taking) I was given the go-ahead to take HRT. This was, the doctor explained, the best treatment on offer, alongside a healthy lifestyle.
I was still reluctant. I am a qualified yoga teacher, trained in reiki; for years I wouldn’t even take a paracetamol. Why would I take something that is linked to an increased risk of breast cancer? I, like many women, was aware of the 2002 WHI study which first reported this link. I still was nervous even though recent research suggests that younger women taking HRT have a no greater risk of breast cancer than if they didn’t take HRT. They also face less risk than women who are obese or who drink moderate amounts of alcohol. Research also suggests that starting HRT at the right time can reduce the risk of developing osteoporosis, cardiovascular disease and other diseases in later life.
I was desperate to take the natural route
Arrogantly I still thought that I could treat my symptoms naturally. The HRT sat in my drawer for weeks and I struggled on. Then I attended a work meeting where I needed to speak. Feeling anxious, I prepared using every alternative tool in my arsenal. I meditated, I did yoga, I had a cold shower, I inhaled frankincense oil. I took CBD, I wore mala beads AND a rosary around my neck and I put a crystal in my pocket. On my way into work I did breathing exercises, tapped my face and repeated positive mantras. I could do this.
In the meeting, I spoke one sentence and had a panic attack.
That night, although I felt like a complete failure, I started on HRT; oestrogen in patch form (I later changed to gel) and cyclical progesterone tablets.
Transformed
It can take up to 6-months for the full benefits of HRT to be felt, but after only a month I felt transformed. It was like I went from seeing in black and white to full colour. My energy returned and my mood lifted. The rages stopped completely. I could finally see just how much I’d suffered over the previous 4-years.
A few months into my treatment, I’m up and down, which is totally normal apparently. Hormones fluctuate day to day during peri-menopause and it can be difficult to balance the medication in the beginning. My lifestyle is also as healthy as I can make it; I eat the right foods, get plenty of rest and move my body every day. Although I did have to ask my daughter to hide the sweets yesterday so…you know, everything in moderation.
Truly, I am humbled by the whole experience. I have so much more compassion for those who are suffering and need medication. Had I been able to manage my symptoms naturally, I know that I would have been unbearably smug.
I still feel like a failure for needing medication myself though, and there are some people who I haven’t told because I don’t think that they will understand. But the more research that I do, the more people I speak to, the more stories I hear; the more positive I feel about my own decision.
And my oestrogen is made from yams for God’s sake; how much more natural can you get.
Some useful information about the menopause
Balance
Davina McCall
Dr Louise Newson
Dr Annice Mukherjee
The British Menopause Society
