On marriage

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage this year because, as of last week, I have been married for 20-years. Firstly, doesn’t that deserve some kind of medal (I’d have gotten less for murder, boom boom), and secondly, how am I old enough to have been married for that long?

I was only 25, and the first in my friend group to walk down the aisle. But, it wasn’t a rushed decision; I had been with my husband, on-and-off (that’s another story), for seven-years before that. Still, I feel older than my years for having been in a proper relationship that long.

Different people

Me being so young when we met, I’m sure that my husband feels like he has been married to ten different women. As he is older than me by 12-years, he was a proper grown up by the time we wed. That’s not to say he hasn’t changed too; he has, and massively for the better.

Navigating change in a long relationship can be hard work. When one person changes, the other has to decide whether to grow alongside them. And what does it mean for both people, if those changes take them in different directions?

When we met, my husband told me that he didn’t want to have children and I agreed. I was 18 and I would have had his name tattooed across my forehead if it meant that I could be with him (thankfully he doesn’t like tattoos). As I got older, the need to have a child became overwhelming. There was a brief moment when it could have divided us. Thankfully it didn’t, and he has been a wonderful dad. Seeing his bond with our daughter, and witnessing his personality traits in her, is beautiful. She is a more rounded person because of his influence, he has provided her with things that I couldn’t (like the ability to pickup mice, and spiders, and ride rollercoasters).

Separate lives

It took me years to figure out that our being together didn’t mean that we needed to live as one person. I thought that to stay married, we had to like all of the same things and do everything together. In our early years, we spent most of our time with his friends and I unknowingly prioritised his happiness. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I built a life of my own; rekindling my friendships and following my own interests.

I was lucky, because he was never threatened by that. He didn’t bat an eyelid when I flew to New York to learn from spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. When I told him that I was going to train in counselling, and then as a yoga teacher, he changed his schedule to accommodate me. He waves my daughter and I off on our annual trip to Portugal without him. When I gave up alcohol, he supported me even though he loves his red wine. He encouraged me to give up my job, knowing that he would have to work harder because of it. Without doubt, he thinks that I’m weird, but so long as I am happy, he’s happy.

Can I change him?

I, on the other hand, have tried to change him many times. I wanted to include him on my own journey instead of letting him find his own way. Why don’t you come to the gym? Have you thought about changing your diet? You should cut down on the wine. Understandably, he has been resistant, and now, I am respectful of that. The older I have gotten, the more I understand that he should be whoever he wants to be. I never want him to change just to please me.

That doesn’t mean that he’s perfect, of course he’s not. He can be grumpy and short-tempered and he annoys me when he’s had too much to drink. He’s always way too early for everything and expects everyone else to be the same, and he doesn’t travel well. What he sees as direct, to me can come across as rude. And, he was a bit of a shit when we first met.

Shouldn’t it be easier?

I thought that after 20-years, marriage would be easy. I presumed that by now, we’d be passed the petty squabbles and that we’d no longer have to work at it. Not so. In fact, even on our anniversary we had a falling out. I guess while you are living in the world, you can’t escape life. Work and kids and other people are always going to put a strain on you individually and on your marriage.

Then there’s the fact that over time, resentments can build. Something that either one of you did earlier in the relationship can taint the present moment. It can be difficult to see your partner as the person that they are now, instead of the one who did something to hurt you 10-years before. I still find it hard to let my guard down, I don’t want to be too vulnerable because I worry that he could break me.

I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t, more than once, considered chucking it all in and starting over. At times our problems have seemed insurmountable, our differences too wide. I have imagined a place of my own where rooms remain tidy and voices are never raised. When I really consider it though, when I think about unpicking our joint lives, it’s just too sad. After so long together, I can’t imagine my life without him.

There are lots of benefits

I love being married. That familiarity you have with a person after knowing them for so long. The shorthand, the ability to communicate without talking, knowing what they are thinking. The in jokes. That feeling of being a part of a team; having someone pick up the slack when you’re having a tough day. Sometimes I smile when I catch a glimpse of us making dinner or feeding the pets; the ease in which we move around each other, the predictability of our actions. That I can lounge around in my joggers and he doesn’t care. That he loves my daughter as much as I do. Knowing that everything he does is for the betterment of our family. He is strong and reliable and he will do whatever he can to make my life easier.

Most importantly, I love him and I know that he loves me. When I catch an unexpected glimpse of him, I still get butterflies. When I come home, I am happier if he is there and I feel an emptiness when he’s not. I find joy in the simplest of times; a walk around our local country park, or a meaningful conversation. He is the first person I want to call, he always makes me feel better and I trust him with my life. For every tough period that we have come through, I feel closer to him.

Old married couple

Over the last year or so, we have taken to walking together every morning. I’m aware that in our matching boots, and as we pick up litter, we probably look like an old married couple. I kind of like it. And I guess, actually, we are. Life is unpredictable and none of us knows where the future will take us, but I hope that it leads the two of us in the same direction. I feel like, after all of these years, we have earned it.