The messy middle

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end”
Robin Sharma

I’m writing this from the messy middle. I’m 7-months into my grown up gap year and it has gone in the blink of an eye. Before I left work I visualised myself sitting serenely behind my laptop writing prolifically. I would establish a good routine to balance out all of that writing, with regular walks and healthy food. Maybe I’d even learn a language. I imagined that, come the end of my year out, I’d be fit and healthy and most importantly fulfilled in my career.

So far, very little of this is true. Every day I have the best of intentions. I plan my day, I am determined, and then as soon as it’s time to put pen to paper, I do something… anything else. My house has never been cleaner, I’ve watched all of the television and I know everything there is to know about US politics. Yesterday, I sat for a good hour watching lip sync battles on YouTube (Tom Holland and Anne Hathaway are a must watch). I spend way too much time on Instagram and although I hate it, I have even joined Twitter.

The number of hours that I have wasted is scary. And now, over half a year later, what do I have to show for it? A few blog posts and 11 Twitter followers (although I did get a like from Glennon Doyle AND a response from Marian Keyes so it’s not all bad).

Writing is hard

After years of working from home in some form, I thought that I had the work ethic, the tenacity, the will power to get shit done. Turns out there’s a big difference between doing the work because you are being paid to and starting a project based on nothing but faith and low self-confidence.

I realised very quickly that there is nothing serene about writing. Every word I write takes a little piece of my soul until, like a tyre with a slow puncture, I am fully deflated. I overthink every post, every sentence, every word even. And this is just for a blog post. How am I ever going to be ready to write in the real world.

Doing the work is not the only hard part of leaving the nine to five. I didn’t expect it to change the dynamics of my relationship with my husband. He is fully supportive of me taking this time out, but because he’s the sole earner, I feel less than. Like we’re no longer equal in our partnership. I feel the need to justify every purchase I make which makes me defensive. I think that he should have the casting vote in any joint decisions which makes me angry. I’m also worried that other people will think that I am lazy and that I’m taking advantage of him.

The messy middle

Then I remembered about the messy middle. It’s a phrase I first heard from Dani Shapiro in her book Still Writing, “I feel like I’m in a boat in the middle of the ocean and there’s no land in sight,” she said, when talking to a friend about her current project. Robin Sharman spoke about the messy middle in The 5am Club and I heard it again today on We can do hard things when Glennon Doyle was discussing her recovery from an eating disorder. It’s that part of the process when you feel lost and uncertain. You question yourself. It’s too hard. How will this all end? I recognised this is where I’m at when, after I’d had my fill of lip sync battles, I started looking for an office job. It did help when I realised that this this is a normal part of the process.

Thinking about it, the last few months haven’t been all bad. It was only when I left my job that I realised just how overwhelmed I had been. I’d been living in perpetual fight or flight, working in a job that, although rewarding in lots of ways, was meant for multiple people and didn’t feed my soul. I don’t miss working at all and I certainly don’t want to go back to that. In fact, I am loving this time. My days are easily filled and I’m more than happy in my own company. When I took a couple of weeks off over Christmas and removed the pressure of writing, I’d never been happier. If money were of no concern, I could go on like this forever.

Here’s what I have done

To say that I have nothing to show for these past 7-months would be a lie. Although this blog is pretty amateur, I did it all myself and it took a lot of time and effort. I’ve also committed to posting once a week, even if it is sometimes late and it almost kills me. There was the 12-week journalism course with the Guardian, which finished last month. I’ve attended some interesting workshops and I’ve registered for an international writing competition to gain more experience.

Aside from writing, I’ve established a solid routine which includes an early morning walk, yoga, meditation and journalling. I’ve made massive changes to the way I eat so I’m feeling healthier. Plus there’s the usual school runs, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc that I’ve always done. I lead a very busy life.

While I do need to put more effort into the actual writing, I also need to cut myself some slack. I expected myself to write 6-hours a day before I knew how hard that would be. Writing is tough, even for the most prolific and successful writer. And as an introvert, it has taken a lot for me to put myself out there. It’s no wonder then that at times I have resisted.

I can see that everything I have done so far has laid a solid foundation for the second half of the year. Now, I have to put the work in and have faith. But, learning a language as well, at this stage at least, is probably a step too far.