Women are my superheroes

“I am Woman, Phenomenally, Phenomenal Woman, that’s me.”
Dr Maya Angelou

Women are my superheroes.

All the strongest people I know are women.

But, I didn’t always think this way. When I was younger, I thought that being female was a weakness. That women were weak and that men were strong. I was so gutted not to be a man. So much so, I dressed like a boy, I acted like a boy; once I even tried to change my name to Tom. Thankfully that didn’t catch on.

I guess this is no surprise when you consider that I grew up in a super masculine martial arts environment at a time when the patriarchy were strong. Or that I came of age in the 90s when the media pitted women against each other and there was no such thing as political correctness. I dressed for the male gaze and was grateful for any attention that men threw my way. Rather than viewing women as allies, I learnt to see them as my competition.

I didn’t understand female friendship

I had some female friends, of course, and they were lovely. The problem wasn’t them, it was me. I just didn’t understand the concept of sisterhood.

In my eyes, nobody was off limits and so I slept with men who had girlfriends AND once with a man who I knew my friend liked (eek, and had already slept with). I used friends and I didn’t think twice about dumping them when a guy came on the scene. Because honestly, all I wanted was to meet a man and settle down. That was my definition of success.

A couple of my friends had babies, others went through tough times. Instead of supporting them, I drifted away. What good were they to me?

In my defence, all of this was unconscious. I was woefully naive and easily flattered. A young girl looking for love in all the wrong places. And I was a terrible drunk. I did things in drink that I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing sober.

I got the guy

When I was 25 I got married. I let my friendships all but fall away before most of them had developed the solid foundation required to sustain them long term.

My life revolved around my husband. We spent all our time together or with his friends. When he went out alone, I waited for him at home like a faithful puppy. Looking back I was pretty miserable.

It was through him that I met the two women who showed me the value of female friendship. They were strong independent women and their friendship felt like a secret club. I was so grateful when they invited me in. They included me on girls nights out and holidays abroad. They normalised talking about EVERYTHING and with them I felt invincible. There was no competition, only encouragement. They taught me that women should support other women.

I credit them with changing the course of my life for the better. For showing me that having a life and relationships outside of my marriage was vital for it’s and my own success.

Women are mighty

Now, I am surrounded by strong female influences. My 86-year old Grandma is stoic, wise and completely without filter (don’t ask her how you look unless you want an honest answer). I don’t know where I’d be without my mum and my sisters. And our shared friendship group provides a solid support network that I don’t take for granted. We talk every day on our WhatsApp group and, oh man, the fun we’ve had. Aunts, cousins, school friends, mum friends; I feel so lucky to have them all.

I have seen some of these women go through the most traumatic of times and always, I am astounded by their strength. Time and again, in difficult situations, it is the women in my life who have done the work even when they thought it might break them. But it never has. Always, without exception, these women have come though the other side with such grace, wisdom and compassion. They are my inspiration.

Elizabeth Gilbert summed it up beautifully when she said,

“The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it on a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes”

Over the years, I too have done the work. I have realised my own strength. When I look back at the person I was all those years ago I don’t recognise myself. I’ve had to forgive myself my past mistakes and realise that I’m not that mixed up young girl any more (well, for the most part anyway).

I’m still not the most fun friend. I don’t like late nights or big groups. I don’t drink and I can be grumpy if I’m tired or hungry (God help you if I’m both). But if it’s a coffee or a bite to eat you’re after, and a nice chat, well, then I’m your girl.