Despite not subscribing to the whole, new year, new me thing and disavowing resolutions, I started a 100 day journalling practice on January 1st. I know, I know – when I read it here in black and white, it’s clear that this was just resolution in another form. After all, why would I do it, if not to orchestrate some kind of change?
Stop Counting
Coinciding with the start of the year, the author Matt Haig posted a message on his Instagram stories. I can’t remember his exact words. Something about resisting the urge to count everything. But, they resonated, because I have a thing for counting my progress. The latest, at that time, was obsessively tracking my steps. Even though the count was unreliable (I don’t own a wearable, nor do I carry my phone with me at all times) I’d check the health app on my iPhone at the end of each day and base my goodness on the number I found there.
It was a reminder off all of the other counting I do: calories (in and out), weight on a scale (up and down), exercise classes per week, meals per day, number of followers (very few), words on a page, my Duolingo streak (zero), how may times I’ve watched Heated Rivalry (three). I can’t tell you how many wellness programmes I have started (and often failed to complete) over the years that have promised to make me a better version of myself in a shocking low number of days.
I count as an outward sign of how well I’m doing life.
Setting Myself Up For Failure
Suleika Jaouad’s The Book of Alchemy is brilliant. The journal prompts I followed for the first 21 days of the practice helped me to, not only remember things I’d forgotten from my past, but also process what I’m seeing in the world around me – how I feel about my inner world. There is no doubt that I will continue the practice at my own pace.
But the having to do it every single day. Cramming it in, tired before bed, after another day of forgetting. Limiting my output to one page in my haste to get it done. It negated any positives I was experiencing. In short, it became just another chore at the end of a long list of other chores that I do each day.
Miss one day and I have failed. I am a failure. What’s the point in continuing with the practice after that.
But the process was a useful reminder of Matt Haig’s words. I need to stop treating my life as a to-do list of things to be ticked off as completed at the end of the day. Instead, I need to live in the moment.
What is Success?
Success should be a day where I have laughed, wrote something I’m proud of, enjoyed a delicious meal. Progress should be a day when I have not even considered the weight on the scale. When I’ve reacted with compassion (for myself or another) instead of reaching for anger or judgement.
I always thought that I needed external pressure in order to get stuff done. And look, accountability can be useful. On days when I am unmotivated, the support of my writing group can bring me back to the page. Having someone to run with will get me out of the house. But the endless daily streaks and check-ins and reminders, for things that are supposed to be positive additions to my life, actually leave me more on edge.
In the last year, I’ve written a 100,000 word novel. I’ve prioritised my health and my family and my dreams. For years before that I committed to doing the work here on Earth School. All of this, because I want to learn. Because I have a genuine curiosity for life. And all of it, I did without counting anything.
Onward
My goal this year (not to be confused with a resolution) is to be less apologetic for taking up space in the world. To seize life with both hands. To claim my place here, knowing that I am worthy solely on account of my being born. I don’t have to earn it. Regardless of what I weigh or how many steps I take, I am enough.
That means no more counting. No more bartering – when I do this than I will be that.
It is time to be free of the constraints I have placed on myself. To live life on my own terms.
